The Butter Stick

Barack Hussein Obama demonstrating how to pick out hair lice to a crowd of hippy supporters, also known collectively as "Californians."

Abortion
Barack Hussein Obama supports abortion and dislikes children.

Afghanistan
Barack Hussein Obama wants to move all troops from Iraq to Afghanistan in hope of catching Osama bin Laden.  The Democratic platform suggests that the war in Iraq can be won by throwing up the white flag, retreating from the nation, and declaring it “opposite day.”

Climate
Barack Hussein Obama votes for regulating climate change nine times out of ten to prevent rainy days in Seattle.  He wishes to redistribute the wealth of rain to some less fortunate areas, such as Arizona.

Cuba
Barack Hussein Obama will remove the trade embargo on Cuba and play Yahtzee with Fidel Castro as millions of illegal Cuban immigrants will consequently swim to Miami, Florida on floating meat balls.

Drugs
Barack Hussein Obama states “I did inhale – that was the point,” when referring to his college past.

Economy
Barack Hussein Obama voted for the $700 billion taxpayer bailout to Wall Street.  This, he says, will help the US recover from the current recession and keep bankers from losing their $90 million pocket change.  Mainly however, he is an adherent of the socialist economic system, borrowed from texts such as the Communist Manifesto and Das Capital.

Energy
Barack Hussein Obama doesn’t believe energy independence is as fun as giving Exxon a tax break and funding Hugo Chavez’s Communist oil empire in South America.  He does however, advocate for the manufacturing of the Toyota SailCar (a type of sail-boat on wheels that runs solely on wind energy) and the Thompson Solar-Powered Flashlight.

Gay Marriage
Barack Hussein Obama wants to legalize gay marriage and possibly open the door to all sorts of irrational behavior.  Some people may request to marry their cats and dogs, because cats and dogs have legal standing and the ability to understand and sign a marriage license.

Healthcare
Barack Hussein Obama wants to socialize all healthcare by enlarging hospital waiting rooms, increasing the variety of newspaper and magazine subscriptions a physician may have for free, and installing bars open to both patients and nursing staff.

Housing
Barack Hussein Obama does not approve of the housing crisis and bank foreclosures.

Immigration
Barack Hussein Obama believes all people should move to the United States and enjoy the taxpayer-paid programs America has to offer.

Iran
Barack Hussein Obama wishes to arrange a play-date with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad outside of a Tehran nuclear war-head constructing facility.

Iraq
Barack Hussein Obama suggests Iraq no longer be an issue, so he is willing to retreat all American troops to Afghanistan.

Taxes
Barack Hussein Obama is spearheading the “Operation: Robin Hood,” in which he plans to tax all the money from the rich and give it to the poor.  Then, when the poor become rich and the rich become poor, he’ll do the same thing again to solve that minor shenanigan.