The Butter Stick

The first awards ceremony dedicated to Nigerian e-mail fraud was held last night in the capital city of Abuja, drawing a large internet café crowd of nearly 100 audience members.

The ceremony was presided over by Barrister Derrick H. MELODY, Principal Attorney, and co-hosted by Mrs. Chung Hee- Ja Kim Choong. Both were there to reward the best scammers with the amount of $10,000,000.00 for their past fraudulent efforts, payable on receipt of their good intentions.

Former President Jimmy Carter and Barrister Derrick H. MELODY tour Lagos, Nigeria. Barrister MELODY said Carter was invited to Nigeria for the award ceremony, but Carter claimed to know nothing about the event, saying only that he came to the country to collect a portion of an unclaimed inheritance.

“Pardon us for invading your privacy,” MELODY began. “These awards are of a sincere nature in recognition of the most successful Nigerian unsolicited e-mail entrepreneurs.”

Mrs. Choong then presented the first award — “Most Successful Scammer” — to the Honorable Frank Edward of the Foreign Debt Reconciliation Panel e-mail scam.

“Congratulations, dear winner,” Choong said to Edward as she presented him with the award. “We are pleased to inform you that you are the winner of this category.”

Tears welled up in Edward’s eyes as he thanked the audience.

“The only things needed for the transfer of this award to me are my greatest sincerities to all of you,” he said.

Scammer Kobeki Shiton-u was given an award for “Best Use of English” in a scam e-mail.

“I have been rewarded with good spelling because of my partnership role with an English spell checker in my e-mail software,” Shiton-u said. “Herein after I shall refer to the program as my e-mail client for award purposes.”

Scammer Timboku Opeptide accepted the “Most Creative” scam award for his “Nigerian Pop Star Dies Without Will” scam.

“Dearly beloveds,” he began, holding up the award trophy. “On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of the late Butitny Spear, whose name I used in my bait e-mails, I leave the sum of my humble thankfulness for this award. This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true.”

The awards ceremony was cut short after rumors began circulating that a government raid on the internet café was imminent.

Story by Tim Sharpe, editor of “Sir Satire’s New World Order News Service“