The Butter Stick

What a day in April it was.  The prior week’s light showers gave birth to new flowers and a healthy dark green lawn.  Of course, as the man of the house, I found myself outside on a crisp but slightly warm morning fixing the blade of an overturned lawnmower.  What do I see out of the corner of my eye?  Greg Lynch, childhood friend and next door neighbor for fifteen years, crouching down nearly out of sight, siphoning gas from my Ford F-150.

I was arrested that day for assault and battery – violently beating Greg with a tiki torch for what might have been eight minutes until the second officer reached the scene and helped the first get Greg out of my choke-hold.  It’s alright though, because I made bail later that week, Greg spent two nights downtown, and had to give me back the $36.98-worth he stole from my tank in court.

The fault, I realize, is not all Greg’s.  Although we are no longer allowed to cross onto each other’s property for a period of ninety days, Greg has apologized for breaking our friendship of trust and my tiki torch with the back of his face.  We are victims of a gas war, like everybody else in the world, which we continue to lose as we continue to turn our backs to the aggressors who own 93% of the world’s oil and gas – the Islamofascist warlords of the Middle East.  As long as they control natural reserves, nations like Iraq, Iran, Kuwait, Syria, and Afghanistan will continue to control the prices we pay to drive our SUVs to work, heat every square inch of our homes, and even mow our lawns.

I’ll be the first conservative to admit it – this is a war for oil.  No, it was not initially, but it might as well have been, because it has certainly become one.  Forget ethics.  What’s ethical is the liberation of oil reserves in the Middle East for the rest of the world to enjoy at a reasonable price.  Forgive me for blowing a gasket every time I now have to pay $4.14 cents for gas at the pump, but if some Arab again tries to increase his oil income, I’ll sign my daughter up for Army.

It could be worse, though.  Can you imagine the triple digit prices we would have had to pay with Gore or Kerry and the Democrats in office?  Gore alone would tax the wheels right off my truck for his “global warming” agenda.  Averting war puts no pressure on the owners of the Earth’s oil, thus waging a one-sided inconsequentially war of Islamic terrorism against the United States and her close allies.  The scenario is exactly like a hostage situation, and the American government, backed by its glorious army of brave soldiers, is the heroic rescue team saving our oil from the deadly hands of war-mongering terrorists and Islamofascists.  All in all, it’s a good day when I’m paying Jerry from Shell $5 a gallon rather than Muhammad from the Corner Mosque the same amount.