The Butter Stick

In an act of independency from the rest of the United Kingdom, the Irish Parliament (Oireachtas) recently passed a novel federal bill which lowered the nation’s drinking age to “this many.” The bill was passed 54 to 6 on November 30 by the Seanad Oireachtas (senators of national parliament).

The bill, titled the “Drink If You Can Count Act” is a loosely worded document which endows any person with the ability to hold up any given number of fingers the right to purchase and consume alcoholic beverages in public, such as in a pub, or in their own private homes. By regulation, a barkeep must inquire his customer’s age. Provided the customer can answer through speech or hand gestures, and has the money for an Irish drink, the barkeep may safely answer to his customer’s needs. Article three specifically reads, “[any] one person above the age of ‘this many’ may consume alcohol unrestricted by state [or federal] law . . . “

“Brilliant,” said statesman Rory Flanigan after reading the four page bill last week. “We, the sons of Ireland, must protect our heritage and keep our world-renowned culture. And since booze makes up most of what we are as people, how can we deny our people the very thing that makes them up?”

Majority and opposition parties across the isle came together this week in a symbolic gesture for all of Ireland. The “Drink If You Can Count Act” was one of the highest acclaimed bills within the nation’s politics since first proposed by Fergus Moloney a week prior to voting. It was the fasted enacted bill since the 1954 law that required all vertically challenged persons wear green and sing limericks at least once a week.

“The preservation of our culture is an exciting thing, and was the basis for our vote,” claims Dermot O’Brien, a Progressive Democratic Party senator and former member of the IRA. “The young people of our nation must experience the joy and happiness our mums and dads did when they were youngsters. That way, they can grow up to be jolly good drunkards like ourselves and live up to the Irish stereotypes.”

Youngsters across the nation are already celebrating their legal ability to drink, most of which are already suffering from mild to severe cirrhosis of the liver, alcoholic hepatitis, and liver fibrosis. Adults, such as popular radio newscaster Patrick O‘Doyle, have asked for a federal holiday or national festival with the passing of the drinking age bill.

Religious Anglicans and English patriots have sworn strongly against the bill and will most likely be ignored by the majority of the isle. Anglican ministers claim that with the legalization of wine for minors, boys and girls will no longer attend Sunday mass as they usually did in thirst of communion.