The Butter Stick

A recent discovery made by Southern mountainman Drew Alanzio showed that Mexican trees are far more common than our good ol’ American trees. We followed Mr. Alanzio out into the wilderness on a hot summer day near the Southern American border only to be shocked at our speculation - Mexican trees had indeed started their invasion. Out of the 175 – 200 trees surveyed and inspected that day, we could count naught but 15 American trees, and scientists say it’s only going to get worse. Concern is rising over the safety and well being of our American trees.

With more Mexican trees here, American trees are in danger of losing valuable soil, water, and sunlight. Daniel Arquette, professing botanist at the Southwestern School of Higher Sciences, declared, “I estimate by the year 2010, Mexican trees will have spread as far as Miami, Florida, and will eradicate all American trees there. These Mexican trees are very efficient at storing nutrients for survival, as well as staying stationary for enormous periods of time. It’s like they’re lazy or something.”

When questioned on what to do to help stop the spread of Mexican trees, Arquette explained, “We need to tighten our borders. We here at the lab believe a sort of trench filled with termites might do the trick.” Al Gore, famous environmentalist and noted liberal, shares his distaste with this idea. He’s quoted stating that, “Trees are people, too. I won the Nobel Prize.”

Republicans, however, are urging Americans to do the “right” thing. Rudy Giuliani, Republican Presidential candidate, stated during a recently unbroadcasted debate, “Listen, these trees have no right to be in this country. Are they American trees? No. Are they Mexican trees? Yes. Is this Mexico? No. I tell you, if I saw one of those things in my yard, stealing my American trees’ sunlight, I’d chop it down right then and there.”

While the debate continues, officials can do nothing about the apparent destruction of our nations national habitat.

“It’s like watching someone light an infant on fire,” one border patrol officer said, “I can’t stand to sit here and think there’s nothing we can do about these God [Expletive] trees stealing our sunlight and water. It just makes me sick. They aughta go back to where they belong.” More news as it develops.