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Filed under: Communism, Democracy, Global Warming, Illegal Immigration, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Religion, Science, South America, Terrorism, Tree Hugging, USA | Tags: Al Gore, America, Christianity, Fake News, Guiliani, Humor, Humour, Illegal, Illegal Immigration, invasion, lazy, liberal, mexican, Mexico, Nobal, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Science, sombrero, South America, sunlight, tree, Tree Hugging, USA
A recent discovery made by Southern mountainman Drew Alanzio showed that Mexican trees are far more common than our good ol’ American trees. We followed Mr. Alanzio out into the wilderness on a hot summer day near the Southern American border only to be shocked at our speculation - Mexican trees had indeed started their invasion. Out of the 175 – 200 trees surveyed and inspected that day, we could count naught but 15 American trees, and scientists say it’s only going to get worse. Concern is rising over the safety and well being of our American trees.
With more Mexican trees here, American trees are in danger of losing valuable soil, water, and sunlight. Daniel Arquette, professing botanist at the Southwestern School of Higher Sciences, declared, “I estimate by the year 2010, Mexican trees will have spread as far as Miami, Florida, and will eradicate all American trees there. These Mexican trees are very efficient at storing nutrients for survival, as well as staying stationary for enormous periods of time. It’s like they’re lazy or something.”
When questioned on what to do to help stop the spread of Mexican trees, Arquette explained, “We need to tighten our borders. We here at the lab believe a sort of trench filled with termites might do the trick.” Al Gore, famous environmentalist and noted liberal, shares his distaste with this idea. He’s quoted stating that, “Trees are people, too. I won the Nobel Prize.”
Republicans, however, are urging Americans to do the “right” thing. Rudy Giuliani, Republican Presidential candidate, stated during a recently unbroadcasted debate, “Listen, these trees have no right to be in this country. Are they American trees? No. Are they Mexican trees? Yes. Is this Mexico? No. I tell you, if I saw one of those things in my yard, stealing my American trees’ sunlight, I’d chop it down right then and there.”
While the debate continues, officials can do nothing about the apparent destruction of our nations national habitat.
“It’s like watching someone light an infant on fire,” one border patrol officer said, “I can’t stand to sit here and think there’s nothing we can do about these God [Expletive] trees stealing our sunlight and water. It just makes me sick. They aughta go back to where they belong.” More news as it develops.
Filed under: Business, Democracy, Entertainment, Federal Spending, Gas & Oil, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Travel & Leisure, USA, World | Tags: 2008, America, American Politics, Books, Business, Candidates, Capitalism, Democracy, Democrats, Entertainment, Fake News, Federal Spending, Freedom, GOP, Humor, Humour, Libertarian, Market, Patriotism, Politics, Republicans, Ron Paul, Satire, Satirical, USA
2008 Republican hopeful and representative of the Fourteenth Congressional District of Texas, Ron Paul, is the media’s most popular and publicized candidate since Howard Dean’s speech meltdown four years ago. A professional in the field of fund raising, and currently the holder of more than $53 million in campaign funds, Paul is releasing the latest in “get rich quick” schemes with his book, “Run for the Money: Wealth Through Politics.”
Ron Paul’s campaign committee is undoubtably one of the most effective fund-raising and awareness spreading committees since Ronald Reagan’s. Last Sunday alone, Paul’s fund-raising brought in an estimated $10 million – double the total net worth of Democratic hopefuls Obama, Clinton, and Edwards. Through libertarian and social conservative Ron Paul, the nation’s GDP actually raised 1.5 points.
Bill O’Reilly, the first to comment on Paul’s campaign efficiency and money raising tactics swore, “It’s incredible – do you see the wonders of capitalism?”
When Ron Paul last appeared on the O’Reilly Factor, FOX New’s most popular political show, the discussion touched on the Republican candidate’s exponentially rising support and incoming funds.
“I couldn’t have done it without the American people,” said Paul. “With their money, I can rise to the deserved level of respect and show the nation how the lack of a campaign spending cap can benefit us all. Pay me now, and I’ll cut your taxes so you won’t have to pay up later.”
The author of “Run for the Money: Wealth Through Politics,” Paul can now reach out to readers and give them back a cent of their contribution to his success. The book is a sure-fire “get rich quick” guide through American politics. In an overview, the greed and corruption explained in the book further extends the political battleground to include the average Americans as well, such as the upper class and the upper-middle class who actively support Paul’s bid in 2008.
Chapter three explains, “As the empowering members of a democratic society, we have a responsibility to run for office with no less than full support in representing the top 6% of income earners in America.” Another motivational paragraph in chapter five reasons that “one cannot be ashamed of money; of driving a GM minivan while two thirds of the world lives off of less than two dollars a day. Is it our fault that Mexico is poor? No!”
The inspirational read is set to hit the free market this coming Friday after an endless tale of positive reviews. All money raised will go toward the Ron Paul 2008 campaign (in fact, one of the book’s chapters describes how selling your own “get rich quick” guide can get you rich . . . quick!).
Filed under: Asia, Business, Communism, Democracy, Federal Spending, Health, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Politics, South America, Technology, Terrorism, Travel & Leisure, USA, World | Tags: America, Asia, China, Communism, Danger, Democracy, Economy, Engels, Fake News, Federal Spending, Free Trade, Funny, George Bush, Health, Hu Jintao, Humor, Imports, Made in China, Mao, Marx, Politics, Satire, Satirical, socialism, totalitarianism, Toys, USA, Zedong
In the most recent wave of Chinese imports to the shores of California, a surprising shipment discovery will lead to more secure border, economy, and manufacturing inspection controls. The trade agreement signed with the Chinese dictatorship ultimately backfired when it was found that imported children’s toys were coated not only in dangerous lead-based paints, but also with COMMUNISM.
During the past few months, parents and guardians have obsessed with the dangers posed by China-manufactured toys. Lacking proper 21st century regulations, most toys created within the past ten years have been called back. Lead, a poisonous metal, was found in the paint substances of many toys, including the most popular brand, King-Sego, which produces almost 18 million toys worldwide. Updated US-China trade agreements were undertaken immediately after the hospitalization of hundreds in lead poisoning instances.
This week however, a new threat was discovered during routine inspections and an unprecedented number of customer complaints. Extremely high levels of communism were found in hundreds of thousands of toys, half of which had already been distributed to the American public.
“I am truly scared,” stated one Oklahoma City mother of four, after discovering a hammer and sickle emblem on an action figure Superman. “This was the last thing I thought could harm my kids. What can I expect when I have to buy cheap imports for my boys?”
President of China, Hu Jintao, refused to comment, but instead talked of the already 20 million recalled toys. The UN Security Council has however, called for a meeting next week in discussion of free trade regulation and manufacturing oversight. Bo Xilai, Minister of Commerce, and Hu Jintao are both expected to explain their nation’s commercial actions.
94,000 Superman action figures are reported having the trademark hammer and sickle of communism emblem painted on their chest, rather than the traditional “S.” At least 360,000 English versions of Karl Marx’s and Friedrich Engels, The Communist Manifesto, were discovered in place of an owner’s manual for stereos, televisions, computers, and children’s toys which may require assembly. Some Barbie doll toys and voice over games even have prerecorded slogans and quotes by Marx, Mao Zedong, Vladimir Lenin, Deng Xiaoping, and Fidel Castro all prominent revolutionary figures.
“Unbelievable. The [expletive] my eight-year-old now spews through her little mouth,” protests Anne Lawrence, an angry customer. “I don’t know if I should ground her or stop shopping at Walmart.”
President Bush has issued an emergency ordinance in which all toys manufactured after a certain time period, November 7, are to be repackaged and sent to their respective sales storefront. Walmart alone is expected to receive at least 940,000 returned “Made in China” products. Until the UN meeting, during which all should be straightened out among the largest free trade partners in the Atlantic and the Pacific, Chinese toy imports will be withheld from reaching any commercial centers and all remaining returned items should be once again recalled by Hu Jintao.
For parents across America however, it may be too late. Mothers Against Communist Toys (MACT), an organization headquartered in West Virginia has already held a fifth press conference urging Congress to cut all trading relations with Communist Party run nations such as China, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos, and impose numerous embargos on each nation, as is currently the situation with Cuba.
“No toys for my boys!” Shouts an angry MACT protestor. Another chimes in, “Rid us of communist G. I. Joes!”
Filed under: Health, Issues, North America, Opinion, Patriotism, Travel & Leisure, World | Tags: America, Editorial, Fake News, Feast, Food, Health, History, Holiday, Holidays, Humor, Indians, Massachusetts, Meal, Native Americans, November, Opinion, Pilgrims, Plymouth Rock, Satire, Thanksgiving, Vacation
Thanksgiving is the day we give “Thanks.” In 1629, exiled Pilgrims from the shores of England landed on Plymouth Rock for one thing: helping the starving Indians and spreading the word of the Lord for salvation.
Most of us do not think of it as more than “Turkey Day,” when families gather around the dining room table, thank the Lord for their meal, and feast on the largest dinner of the year. A 28 lbs turkey, stuffing, southern-style mashed potatoes with southern-style gravy, fresh cranberry sauce, buttered corn-on-the-cob, grandma’s old-fashioned pumpkin pie for desert, and a pitcher of apple cider. Little do we know of the history behind this tradition.
After landing on Plymouth Rock in the cold October of 1629, English Pilgrims immediately erected villages along the coast of the Northeast. Native American threat was inevitable however. After subduing early encounters with the Wampanaog, a Northeastern Native American tribe, with advanced weaponry and civilized warfare tactics, some historians have concluded that the Pilgrims’ religious morals and values gave in to the needs of the Indians. The defeated Indians suffered from the brutal Massachusetts frost as did their planted crops. In fact, it is said the Wampanaog were actually completely wiped out the following year from starvation and disease.
Sensing a brotherhood among the Pilgrims and the less civilized Native Americans, Nathaniel Berkley, a Pilgrim councilman, suggested the people look deep into their hearts, do as the Lord would, and open their arms to the Wampanaog. Through Berkley’s advice, the Pilgrims invited hundreds of Indians to a Thanksgiving Feast, where they shared their hunted wild-turkeys, mashed potatoes and gravy, pumpkins, and corn. It is said that through this day of thanks, the Wampanaog and nearby tribes survived the ill-fated winter and were taught the advanced planting, farming, and hunting techniques of the Europeans the following spring.
To this day, we all share thanks for our meals and collective help, for it were not for the English Pilgrims, November 22nd would have been just another workday for us, and a devastating end to the Wampanoag in the 1620s.
Filed under: Business, Democracy, Illegal Immigration, Issues, Middle East, North America, Opinion, Patriotism, Politics, South America, Terrorism, Travel & Leisure, War On..., World | Tags: America, Border Control, Criminals, Deal, Death Penalty, Democracy, Drugs, Economy, Fake News, Fellons, Humor, Idea, Illegal, Illegal Immigration, Immigrants, Iraq, Mexico, Middle East, Patriotism, Politics, Satire, Terrorism, Texas, Troops, United States, War, War on Terrorism
Illegal immigrants are terrorists and terrorists are illegal immigrants, 98% of the time. How can we combat both efficiently, cost effectively, and ethically? It is called the Illegal Immigration & Terrorism Deal, and here is how it goes.
Immigrants who swim the Rio Grande and jump the fence to get into the country do so illegally. They hurt the American economy in numerous ways; by taking valuable second rate jobs, not paying taxes, and using up the welfare and services we provide with our hard-earned dollars.
If Mexican citizens wish to cross the border without first becoming a rightful citizen of the United States, let’s not send them back or imprison them – let’s send them to the Middle East. That’s right. Hand them a canteen, a rifle, and ammunition, and put them on the next tour to Iraq. Have them serve a mandatory two to four years in the desert, on military pay as equal citizens of the United States Army, and after this period, they may be awarded citizenship into our country.
“Support our troops, bring them home.” That sounds like a worthy idea. With more than 170,000,000 illegal immigrants hitherto infesting America like anxious parasites, the ones we seize from extensive border patrols can easily substitute our sons and daughters on the front lines in Iraq, Afghanistan, and maybe Iran in the near future. Bring our troops home and let them man the border of the Rio Grande. Not only are they doing their country a favor stopping illegal immigrants and preventing terrorism from reaching our borders, but they are now bastioned and better cared for with a home field advantage.
What if an illegal immigrant refuses to cooperate? Don’t allow them the luxury of carrying a canteen, rifle, or ammunition, but still give them the opportunity to become members of our great land by sending them to Iraq. If they make it for four years in the desert, give them citizenship. If they still don’t cooperate, never let the thought of their illegality slip our minds. “No amnesty” means no amnesty. By setting foot into our country, they have committed a crime AND are in our jurisdiction. As a people, we have no choice but to secure our lives and prosperities against felons of all sorts, and must punish them accordingly.
Texas has the death penalty for a reason. With our troops patrolling the border and fashion?
Problem solved. More strength and support in the Middle East in the War on Terrorism, increased protection in our homeland, less illegal immigration, and overall prosperity on American soil as problem-causing problems are laid to rest. Spread the knowledge. Help your nation. Write to your local Congressman about the Illegal Immigration & Terrorism Deal.
Filed under: Africa, Asia, Democracy, Gas & Oil, Issues, Middle East, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Religion, Terrorism, War On..., World | Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, America, Americans, Attack, Bloomberg, Bush, Cab, Civilians, deaths, Freedom, Fundamentalist, Iraq, Islam, Manhattan, Murder, Muslim, New York, New York City, North Africa, Pakistan, Religion, Suicide Bomber, Syrian, Terrorisim, Terrorist Attack, Terrorists, War on Terrorism
Around 100 people have been killed, many more injured and hospitalized, as an Islamic suicide bomber crashed into a traditional New York City hotdog stand in Manhattan. Police confirm the attack was part of the Islamic “jihad” begun after September 11th.
At approximately 4:35 pm Friday on East 53rd Street, Manhattan, NY, an enraged taxi-cab suicide bomber by the name Isma’il Abdul-Aziz Zulfaqar drove directly into a hotdog stand operated by Jasper Jones, an African-American. 100 civilians are said to have died from the blast, as the cab crashed into Jones and skidded to a stop against the Sylvan-Marmora Hotel, where New York City firefighters put out the fire. Innocent bystanders were either engulfed by the flames or injured from a cloud of debris.
Zulfaqar had been a low-profile cabdriver in the Brooklyn and Manhattan area for eight years, having arrived from Syria in 1999. Four other suspects from Zulfaqar’s private records and police evidence have been arresting, one of which was found only three streets away. The suspects’ names were not yet released. The only police records on Zulfaqar had been passport fraud, before Republicans took office and reinforced American border control and security.
Police Chief Ronald Napier confirms on scene, “The crowd was absolutely terrified. You never think it can happen to you in your own city. We’re currently trailing four suspects and looking for further evidence.”
Mayor Bloomberg et al. appeared at 8:00 at Times Square and brought a candle for each recorded death a delivered a speech similar to that of Giuliani after 9/11, “Fellow citizens, today we are united once more as Americans, a common people, striving for justice, peace, and freedom in our nation.” He further assured New Yorkers that “No cowardly attack such as this can ever separate us from what the founders of this nation created for their grandchildren.”
Taking the war from New York City to Iraq and Afghanistan after the destruction of the World Trade Center towers, Cheney and the Bush administration have outdone themselves when affirming the nation’s security. There have been less American civilian deaths since the 9/11 tragedy than the Revolutionary War, Civil War, and Vietnam War put together. This is entirely due to the secure structure of Homeland Security, the closing off of American borders and amnesty to immigrants, the War on Terror and War in Iraq, and the prosecuting of dangerous Muslim criminals.
What happened Friday afternoon however, only assured the Bush administration that more needs to be done in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, North Africa, Syria, and Pakistan to assure the freedoms and securities of Americans are not destroyed and stepped on by a radical Islamic faction. If the ‘religion of peace’ is just that – peaceful, then why all do we suffer each day, fearing another murderous attack on humanity?
President Bush, in an emergency radio broadcast announced, “We will continue our fight for justice until our fight is just. We are not afraid. We’ll continue to root out these Islamic terrorists because we are not afraid.”
A scheduled televised appearance is expected sometime this afternoon accompanied by Homeland Security officials and select reporters.
Filed under: Business, Democracy, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Technology, World | Tags: Banks, Business, Coin, Economy, Fake News, Gold, Humor, Humour, Investment, Money, News, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Silver, Treasury
The United States Mint is proud to release its newest line of 24-karat gold and silver coins. The new American Buffalo Coin, to be in the public’s hands by September 2008, is unique in that it is abnormally “one-sided.” A three-dimensional object unconditionally lacking a reverse side.
Since their primary roll into banks in June of 2006, the original (two-sided) 24-karat gold coins have been idolized by millions of collectors and investors. The .9999 gold in bullion version is valued at a legal $50. The recent popularity of gold coins by investors and government lobbyists has been construed by the fact that gold does not diminish in value as do monetary units in circulation as a cause of national inflation. Another reason is its physical durability in that gold coins do not rip or damage as easily as paper money.
The old American Buffalo Coin’s reverse side was formerly the head of an American Indian, with respect to the natives of the vast North American plains. The Buffalo, or bison, is the same inscribed drawing as that of the 1914 Buffalo Coin, designed by James Earl Frazier.
“When American settlers first expanded to the West with Manifest Destiny written on their minds,” said Deputy Director Charles P. Mackintosh, designer of the 2008 One-Sided Buffalo Coin, “they took not only the land of the natives, but also the land’s majestic grazers, the North American buffalo. Since we’ve already compensated the remaining Native Americans with their own reservations and subsidized in parts of the country, we believe it is now the buffalo’s turn to earn more than we ever gave them. “
As a result, the American Indian head was removed from the coin in order to amplify the statement toward the nearly-extinct buffalo of the Great Plains. One inscribed side and one empty side however, was unappealing to the Department of the Treasury and could hinder sales and investments. The reverse empty side was officially removed, leaving only the grazing buffalo and coin’s ridges. The new coin now also comes in gold-bronze and pure silver.
“I’m always getting the same question: ‘If I flip the coin over, what will the other side look like?’” states Mackintosh, “I’ve always replied with the same answer: ‘What other side?’”
The charm of this new “half coin” is that its value is not altered from the two-sided 2006 version. The types of metals the coin is made with is still the same. The mass and density of the coin remains. The only difference in value is between the pure gold and silver metals and the gold-bronze alloy.
The release of this newest coin in 2008 will undoubtedly be a step-up in the nation’s economy. Investors and collectors from around the globe won’t be able to wait and see this modern marvel. Republican Secretary of the Treasury, Henry M. Paulson, Jr., has served the United States well, and this will be evident right before election time of next year.
Filed under: Abortion & Murder, Health, Issues, North America, Politics, Religion, Science, Technology, World | Tags: Abortion, Absurd, Baby, Birth, Canada, Christianity, Doctors, Drugs, Health, Hospital, Infant, Medical Science, Mother, Murder, News, Phenomenon, Politics, Pregnacy, Pro-Life, Religion, Satire, Science, Scientists, Strange
Sondra Waldron was the first woman in known world history to give birth. To herself. Following a brutal forty-seven hours of labor Yellowpoint Community Hospital, in Yellowpoint, Quebec, the woman’s newborn turned out to be non other than herself. Scientists, doctors, creationists, and religious leaders around the world are bewildered and baffled by the unexpected event.
Waldron, 43, had been pregnant for only eight and a half months, thus birth prematurely. Her husband, Ted Waldron, was equally shocked up hearing the news from the multiple nurses and doctors. He was told to wait in a separate room during labor; Waldron was put on heavy doses of painkiller and experienced aggressive heart spasms during the operation. A C-section was needed in order to extract the 112-pound baby from the womb of its mother. To the amazement of Dr. Jose Carlin, the baby turned out to be none other than the patient Sondra Waldron herself.
“I couldn’t believe it,” admits Dr. Carlin, with PhD at Georgetown. “My assistants and I were watching her for more than two days in labor. The patient had been in our Intensive Care Unit for the last four months of pregnancy, when the fetus was weighed at nine times the average in that trimester. We knew from the start, this was going to be an abnormal birth – but I never would have pondered the notion that Mrs. Waldron would actually give birth to herself.”
Sondra and Ted Waldron explained to doctors and the press of their past sessions of intercourse. They had been using several drugs, including prescription steroids, in order to achieve fertility. Once a weigh-in was done during the second trimester of her pregnancy, Sondra was immediately looked after by Yellowpoint Community Hospital and the Family Matters Clinic, a pro-life watchdog and unborn baby care facility. The two medical centers recently came into conflict over the subject of an abortion
“We are glad Sondra rejected the hospital’s abortion strategy. Amazed are we, who never thought it possible,” asserts Dr. Lynette Hindman. “No one has figured it out as far as I know, but think of it this way – if Sondra, who somehow gave birth to herself, was to kill her offspring, wouldn’t that end up killing herself?”
Scientists at the Francia Institute of Popular Science in Quebec (FIPSQ) and researchers from around the world conclude: what happened was a phenomenon in human science.
Dr. Lloyd Laborde, PhD in Medical Science and Medical Scientist at FIPSQ, affirms observations of the staff at Yellowpoint Community Hospital, “the patient did not give birth to another self, a clone or twin, but to her own embodiment. My colleagues and I have theories, but absolutely no solidified truths. The strongest hypothesis is the patient’s fetus was a conceived inner-being of herself, who thus grew up to be the patient herself… as she was reborn, her natural being was thus absorbed into what seems to be her new being… yet she still functions… and acts as her natural being.” He further mentions the aftermath, “It is not a clone or a twin… nothing was reproduced. It was simply reformed, replicated in on itself.”
It does not improve our knowledge of the event with Waldron’s personal testimony, for she was asleep on high levels of pain relievers, antidepressant, and other dangerous drugs throughout labor. She adds her own statement on the experience, “I feel new – refreshed and vibrant. I don’t know what happened, but the pregnancy was a nightmare. No one has fully explained to me where my baby is or where it is being kept. They say… I am the baby.” Waldron is being kept in the Intensive Care Unit at Yellowpoint and is undergoing several psychological counseling sessions. Doctors say she may be suffering from trauma, exhaustion, heart complications, memory loss, and depression.
Dr. Carlin and the hospital staff’s undocumented observations are still the only semi-credible statements. Religious leaders, atheists and creationists, and even well-known scientists in the medical and human studies fields are beginning to deny their claims and the event.
“You tell me how this can happen. What was in her belly for those eight and a half months of pregnancy if she was on the outside? What was inside? How can she come out of herself? How is the newborn a fully grown woman?” State multiple skeptics, “A hoax. A Canadian conspiracy. We have murderous doctors on the loose who kidnaped and ended the life of a newborn and are feeding the poor woman lies, yet they get all the media attention the word has to offer!”
Certainly, this is a never-before conceived instance in the medical field, hoax or not. Another win at life, as this middle-aged woman is born again. A fresh, novel, sin-free life. A God-given opportunity to live life once more.
Filed under: Business, Health, Issues, North America, Patriotism, World | Tags: America, Business, Capitalism, Death, Fake News, Indiana, Justice, Law, Murder, Obscure, Police, Satire, Store, Wild
A family of four was found starved to death in a Save-A-Lot in Indiana this morning by two employees. It was said they were locked inside the grocery store over Veteran’s Day weekend and died of malnourishment.
Carmel Indiana is a rapidly grown suburban city near Indianapolis. Ian Fairfax opened Save-A-Lot just two years ago and is thankful of the business. Luck ran out however, when four deceased bodies were discovered in his supermarket.
“This is the most tragic thing that has ever happened in the history of our business,” claims store owner Fairfax.
Police Chief Ronald Schmidt questioned Save-A-Lot employees concerning the untimely deaths, “How could it be that four people starved, while surrounded on all sided by cheap food?” No constructed responses.
“It seems,” Chief Schmidt discloses, “That the good will of these people, the Bradburys, kept them from stealing and consuming the store’s products. Maybe out of sheer compassion for the law, they surrendered their souls to God’s hands.”
Stephen and Rachael Bradbury, married eight years, with seven-year-old son Joseph and five-year-old daughter Sela, were the average, middle-class, churchgoing family. Stephen and Rachael were devout Catholics, neither ever having a criminal record. Both graduated high school and immediately pursued careers in art. For years, the family has helped fund-raise for organizations such as the Catholic Children’s Health Fund and the Christian Children’s Organization. Close family members added, “they were the kindest people in all of Indiana.”
Fairfax is thankful no charges were pressed on his employees, the store, or himself. Also thankful of is the Bradburys, who neither vandalized nor stole from any shelf or refrigerator.
“My employees and the Chief’s deputies have confirmed no foul play. Everything seems to be in tact,” affirms Fairfax when asked about the outcome to the situation. “We would like to thank the Bradburys for their loyalty to the Indiana law, their loyalty to our company, and the Carmel Police Department. May God take all four souls in peace and tranquility.”
Filed under: Communism, Democracy, Europe, Issues, Politics, South America, Terrorism, Travel & Leisure, War On..., World | Tags: Aznar, Brawl, Chavez, Communism, Dictatorship, Fascism, Fight, Freedom of Speech, Government, Hugo Chavez, King Carl, Latin America, Meeting, Politicians, Politics, Portugal, socialism, South America, Spain, Summit, Venezuela, Zapatero
The King of Spain, Juan Carlos I, and the Socialist President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, were inches and words away from a bare-knuckle fist fight at a Latin American/Iberian summit that included European nations Spain and Portugal. King Carlos furiously ended Chavez’s communist rants shouting, “Why don’t you just SHUT UP?”
On multiple occasions, Chavez angrily interrupted King Carlos and the Spanish Prime Minister, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, calling the former Prime Minister, José María Aznar, a “dirty fascist dog.” The King, resisting no longer, told Chavez to shut up, threw down his chair, and stormed out. Shocked and appalled, Chavez remained speechless and ducked down for the remaining hour of the summit.
Prime Minister Zapatero calmly and cooly asked Chavez to lower his voice and show respect to the leaders of countries, regardless political ideology or background. Summit commentators state Aznar did not attend the meeting and could not properly defend himself. “Apparently he hasn’t been Prime Minister since 2004,” records one of the commentators. Without acknowledgment of Zaptero’s polite requests, Chavez continuously demanded the “cleansing of the summit of all fascist imperial dogs,” and even threw his pens and pencils off of his desk. When security temporarily turned off his microphone, the socialist dictator waved his arms and demanded free speech.
Free speech is a difficult right to receive, especially when one denies that speech in his native country. In the past year, Chavez has forcefully obtained 98% of all news presses, radio and tv stations, and nationalized all remaining media. RadioFree Caracas is the only private broadcasting company left in Venezuela and is under constant government attack and surveillance for protesting against individual rights violations.
Aznar, a political ally of the Bush Administration and confident supporter of the War in Iraq, came under the fire of a socialist hypocrite at the wrong time. It is a bright day when a great leader like the brave monarch, King Carlos, can stand up for the defenseless against communist dictators. With a simple, well-structured sentence, the King has stood up for the right wing and gained the support of people around the world, while Chavez’s rants have only increased his enemy’s numbers. Chavistas will sleep in terror tonight with the words “Why don’t you just shut up?” reverberating in their dreams.
Filed under: Communism, Entertainment, Gas & Oil, Global Warming, Health, Issues, North America, Politics, Science, Travel & Leisure, Tree Hugging, World | Tags: Al Gore, Democrats, Depression, Environment, George Bush, Global Warming, Health, Nobel Peace Prize, Obesity, Overeaters Anonymous, Political, Politics, Rehab, Tree Hugging, Vice President
The Global Warming fanatic who recently won a Nobel Peace Prize for his environmental scare tactics was spotted at an Overeaters Anonymous Los Angeles meeting by a rehab member. Since Gore’s humiliating public defeat to George Bush in the 2000 Presidential election, the former Clinton Vice-President has put on an overwhelming 103lbs.
Food binges are common of depressed individuals or ones who are put under trauma and stress. Dr. Jeremy Hansel, founder of the Bay Hills Institute, states, “Gore might be suffering from a minor depression of ‘adjustment disorder,’ formulated from a type of stress following losses or changes in life or habit. It is very common to bottle-up stress and emotions and ‘eat’ tears away with food or drink binges or any other type of risky behaviors.”
“His health was in question,” comments the Overeaters Anonymous member, who preferred his name not be disclosed. He recalls Al reciting his eating habits, some of which included eating a full box of Frosted Flakes in the morning. That’s over 11 servings of the recommended amount for a 2,000 calorie diet. Although his actual health level was not disclosed, Dr. Hansel theorizes a very high blood sugar level, above-average cholesterol, high sodium levels, and a dangerous intake of unsaturated and trans-fats. Overeaters Anonymous Los Angeles could not comment on Mr. Gore’s health or weight.
Another reason Big Al may be so stressed from trauma, thus dependent on food and sugary beverages, is from his own global warming aftershock. In An Inconvenient Truth, Gore presumed the world would meet its fiery end within a decade if we as a people do not create change. There are eight years left to the Apocolypse, and the entire world is counting. Could it be, that as time moves forward, the theory of global warming begins to unravel as did UN’s “Global Cooling” theory a few years ago? Each day, we are closer and closer to debunking the inconvenient lie from within, and the man can’t help but sweat a little.
If losing the election and fearing the natural cooling and warming of the earth can turn poor old Al Gore into an overeating machine in rehab, what can we expect within 8 years, when we’re still alive, and the earth is still functioning as its own, normal self?
Filed under: Europe, North America, Politics, Travel & Leisure, War On..., World | Tags: America, Blair, Britain, Bush, Conservative, England, Europe, George Bush, Gordon Brown, Labor, Labour Party, President, Prime Minister, Suburban, Tony Blair, Travel, UK, US, USA, War on Terrorism, White House
Following his termination of office as third-term Prime Minister of Great Britain, and replaced by the Conservative Gordon Brown, Tony Blair wishes for a new lifestyle, a cleansing. In a recent interview, the moderate ‘New’ Labour Party member has stated his complete withdrawal from British politics and the isle all together.
A close relative of the Blair family alleges, “he was always fond of the United States, particularly during his last term.” Is Blair willing to cower in political shame and flee his home in the UK? “Tony and [George Bush] were very close on the international level when it came to leading their [nations],” avers the insider. “It could be that George offered his most trusted ally some amnesty in America for having his back.”
In a short statement, Blair claimed his bags are packed and that the family is looking forward to “move across the seas.” On earlier accounts, the former Prime Minister and wife Cherie Booth both mentioned the splendor of a suburban American home.
“The low taxes and freedoms for a middle class American family are outstanding,” said Blair during a 2006 visit at Bush’s private Texan ranch.
With the Labour Party’s membership dropping monthly and Blair’s popularity rating at an all-time low on the British Isles, what is there to lose? Certainly, an escape from England to a place like Seattle or Yonkers would be at the advantage of the Blair family.
Filed under: Communism, Entertainment, Issues, Politics, Religion, South America, Tree Hugging, World | Tags: Chevez, Communism, Hugo, Hugo Chavez, Politics, Religion, socialism, South America, totalitarianism, Tree Hugging, Venezuela, Wicca, wiccan
Hugo Chavez has openly declared his new conversion to Wicca, a nature-based religion, early Monday morning. To the astonishment of many followers, or Chavistas, he has already begun pushing the conversion of the entire nation to Wicca with a fully televised announcement.
Wicca is an ancient nature-based religion with converts scattered all over the world. Wiccans, meaning “naked witches,” see this as a great advancement to their naturally small following.
“Of course this is easy for him,” states Carlito Sanchez, a Venezuelan student. “Following his recent constitution reforms, in which he extended his term from five years to seven, he’ll have no problem instituting this devil-work as a state religion.” With totalitarianism – Chavez’s complete grasp on the nation’s media, mind, and economy, commentators calculate it should be fairly easy to carry out a few thousand, if not, millions of Venezuelan converts.
Televised broadcasts are scheduled to run for three days with Wiccan documentaries, following the president’s personal reading out of various books including Wiccan, the History of the Wicca, and the official gospel, the Book of Shadows. It is also recorded however, that as the Wiccan population may grow enormously with the conversion of an entire impoverished and overpopulated nation, Chavez’s popularity rating is likely to plummet.
“Maybe this is why he created the seven year term in the first place,” remarks Sanchez.
Filed under: Gas & Oil, Health, Homosexuality, Issues, North America, Tree Hugging, World | Tags: blaze, California, deaths, forest fires, Global Warming, hippies, Homosexuality, liberals, Tree-huggers
The most recent northern California forest fire, caused by an eight year old boy on a family hiking trip, has started mass rallies of environmentalists, conservationists, and other Californians in an effort to save the burning trees. This afternoon, at least fourteen thousand members of the Californian Green Institute, the Save Mother Earth Group, and Greens USA have voluntarily round up in towns and on outback trails and are planning a camp-out by candlelight.
“Just like mother earth would want,” stated Elizabeth Finns, a Green Bay City volunteer, “She’s been here for hundreds of years for us, now it’s time to give something back.”
News commentator Rob Wilmer notes, “They are on to something here. Protesting in this manner may not have worked in the past, but this is 2007. Get to the fire before it comes to you.”
But who does this help in reality? While northern Californian traffic congests exponentially so, what of the poor women and children who wish to escape the fiery death that awaits at their back doors? Is it morally correct to stampede victims of the massive forest fire with flammable hippies and Stanford dropouts?
So far, the HF and ISNA have counted 243 deaths and 597 injuries. Governor Schwarzenegger and the federal government have yet to comment.
Filed under: Abortion & Murder, Health, Issues, North America, Science, Technology, Terrorism, World | Tags: Death, Death Penalty, Execution, Lethal Injection, Murder, Prison, Texas
Since 1968, when Texas first introduced this efficient method of execution, the lethal injection has had minimal, if any opposition. Why? Because it works, does it not? This year however, one will find it hard to commute to work and back without hearing about another tragic story of murderers suffering hours of excruciating pain whilst under the four step procedure of lethal injection.
Scientist at the University of Harlem Pier, Cynthia Brown, states, “at least 89% of the time, prisoners are given the lethal chemicals while comatose, yet still in a nervous state with the body can feel pain.” They are said to feel the chemicals rush through their bloodstream and slowly dissolve the heart and lungs. “More so, 100% of our test subjects died within two hours.”
One question. Since when do we care about the health of death row murderers and rapists? Next, we’ll see the Democrats throw out a new socialized health care bill to provide these prisoners with free health care, just in case their heart races too much on the electric chair.
Troy Wilcox is a 43 year old murderer on death row for the past eight months. He was convicted nine years ago for the killings of his daughter and wife to life in prison. Only last winter was his sentence changed to death by lethal injection for the cutback on penitentiary spending. “It is immoral just to be put behind bars by a white jury for a crime I did not commit. But now death?”
Filed under: Uncategorized
The Butter Stick would like to announce it’s debut as the newest fake news source on the internet. We look forward to becoming the nation’s - no - the world’s most unhealthy newsbite.
Sit back, read, digest, and don’t forget to take your pills. Have some oxygen and a heart pump standing by because we don’t know yet how our non-truthliness is going to be handled by the people just yet.
