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Filed under: Abortion & Murder, Asia, Communism, Democracy, Federal Spending, Gas & Oil, Global Warming, Homosexuality, Illegal Immigration, Issues, Middle East, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Religion, South America, Terrorism, Tree Hugging, USA, War On..., World | Tags: 2008 Elections, 2008 Presidential Elections, Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Bin Laden, Candidate, Candidates, Economy, Election Winner, Gay Marriage, GOP, Iran, Iraq, Issues, John, John McCain, John Sydney McCain, McCain Winner, On the Issues, Platform, Republican, Republican Nominee, Sarah Palin, Taxes, Winner
John McCain, the courageous American war hero, waving to millions of his patriotic, God-loving, pro-America voters.
Abortion
John McCain loves every baby and wants to kill its father if the baby was a cause of rape.
Afghanistan
John McCain’s number one priority is to catch Bin Laden after America wins the 100 year war in Iraq.
Climate
John McCain is pro-climate.
Cuba
John McCain will not only kill Fidel Castro with his bare hands, but will also head-butt every Cuban in Miami back to Cuba… in Guantanamo Bay.
Drugs
John McCain is against all contemporary hippy actions and influences.
Economy
John McCain believes “the fundamentals of the economy are strong.” Although he voted for the $700 billion bailout, the trickle down theory is known to work so well that in the end, all the money plus a large lump sum will be returned to the taxpayer.
Energy
John McCain didn’t believe in off-shore drilling until Sarah Palin joined the ticket. Now he is completely and totally for energy independence. And by that, he means that Iraq and Afghanistan are part of the United States when it comes to oil.
Gay Marriage
John McCain is completely against the mingling of same-sexes because he thinks of the children. Not only will children turn out gay when hanging around gay parents, much like short people growing tall when hanging around other tall people, but they will also never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That is why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
Healthcare
John McCain believes that if you can afford it, you deserve it. If you can’t, don’t get hurt. This isn’t socialist Russia where people can shoot themselves in the face and be rewarded with a hot meal and a band-aid.
Housing
John McCain believes that if you can afford it, you should spend all of your savings on it plus tae out loans you can’t pay back, because in the end, the trickle down theory will work to your advantage.
Immigration
John McCain is against immigration so that America may be built big and strong for Americans by Americans. This is how our country was founded.
Iran
John McCain wants to simple bomb Iraq, just like the old Beach Boys song goes: “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran!”
Iraq
John McCain wants to win in Iraq every day for no less than 100 years, when we will have successfully and completely defeated and annihilated terrorism and all bad guys off of the face of the earth.
Taxes
John McCain wants to give tax breaks to the biggest companies and the rich, to take the burden of the economy off of their backs. Big companies can provide more low paid jobs to hobos while the rich can have more money for political campaigns, the stock market, and general benefit to the trickle down theory. In the end, the people on the bottom rung of society win.
Filed under: Abortion & Murder, Communism, Democracy, Federal Spending, Gas & Oil, Global Warming, Health, Homosexuality, Illegal Immigration, Issues, Middle East, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Religion, South America, Terrorism, Tree Hugging, USA, War On..., World | Tags: 2008, 2008 Election, Abortion, Afghanistan, Barack, Barack Hussein Obama, Barack Obama, Candidate, Climate, Compare the Candiates, Cuba, Debate, Decision, Democrat, Democratic Party, Drugs, Economy, Election, Energy, Gay Marriage, Housing, Hussein, Illegal Immigration, Iran, Iraq, Islam, John McCain, Muslim, November, Obama, Poll, Presidency, President, Presidential Candidate, Senator, socialism, Taxes, Terror, Vote
Barack Hussein Obama demonstrating how to pick out hair lice to a crowd of hippy supporters, also known collectively as "Californians."
Abortion
Barack Hussein Obama supports abortion and dislikes children.
Afghanistan
Barack Hussein Obama wants to move all troops from Iraq to Afghanistan in hope of catching Osama bin Laden. The Democratic platform suggests that the war in Iraq can be won by throwing up the white flag, retreating from the nation, and declaring it “opposite day.”
Climate
Barack Hussein Obama votes for regulating climate change nine times out of ten to prevent rainy days in Seattle. He wishes to redistribute the wealth of rain to some less fortunate areas, such as Arizona.
Cuba
Barack Hussein Obama will remove the trade embargo on Cuba and play Yahtzee with Fidel Castro as millions of illegal Cuban immigrants will consequently swim to Miami, Florida on floating meat balls.
Drugs
Barack Hussein Obama states “I did inhale – that was the point,” when referring to his college past.
Economy
Barack Hussein Obama voted for the $700 billion taxpayer bailout to Wall Street. This, he says, will help the US recover from the current recession and keep bankers from losing their $90 million pocket change. Mainly however, he is an adherent of the socialist economic system, borrowed from texts such as the Communist Manifesto and Das Capital.
Energy
Barack Hussein Obama doesn’t believe energy independence is as fun as giving Exxon a tax break and funding Hugo Chavez’s Communist oil empire in South America. He does however, advocate for the manufacturing of the Toyota SailCar (a type of sail-boat on wheels that runs solely on wind energy) and the Thompson Solar-Powered Flashlight.
Gay Marriage
Barack Hussein Obama wants to legalize gay marriage and possibly open the door to all sorts of irrational behavior. Some people may request to marry their cats and dogs, because cats and dogs have legal standing and the ability to understand and sign a marriage license.
Healthcare
Barack Hussein Obama wants to socialize all healthcare by enlarging hospital waiting rooms, increasing the variety of newspaper and magazine subscriptions a physician may have for free, and installing bars open to both patients and nursing staff.
Housing
Barack Hussein Obama does not approve of the housing crisis and bank foreclosures.
Immigration
Barack Hussein Obama believes all people should move to the United States and enjoy the taxpayer-paid programs America has to offer.
Iran
Barack Hussein Obama wishes to arrange a play-date with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad outside of a Tehran nuclear war-head constructing facility.
Iraq
Barack Hussein Obama suggests Iraq no longer be an issue, so he is willing to retreat all American troops to Afghanistan.
Taxes
Barack Hussein Obama is spearheading the “Operation: Robin Hood,” in which he plans to tax all the money from the rich and give it to the poor. Then, when the poor become rich and the rich become poor, he’ll do the same thing again to solve that minor shenanigan.
Filed under: Africa, Business, Technology, World | Tags: Africa, Award, Awards, Carter, Ceremony, Dearly beloveds, Fake News, Humore, Jimmy Carter, Nigeria, President, Satire, Scam, Scammer, Spam
The first awards ceremony dedicated to Nigerian e-mail fraud was held last night in the capital city of Abuja, drawing a large internet café crowd of nearly 100 audience members.
The ceremony was presided over by Barrister Derrick H. MELODY, Principal Attorney, and co-hosted by Mrs. Chung Hee- Ja Kim Choong. Both were there to reward the best scammers with the amount of $10,000,000.00 for their past fraudulent efforts, payable on receipt of their good intentions.
Former President Jimmy Carter and Barrister Derrick H. MELODY tour Lagos, Nigeria. Barrister MELODY said Carter was invited to Nigeria for the award ceremony, but Carter claimed to know nothing about the event, saying only that he came to the country to collect a portion of an unclaimed inheritance.
“Pardon us for invading your privacy,” MELODY began. “These awards are of a sincere nature in recognition of the most successful Nigerian unsolicited e-mail entrepreneurs.”
Mrs. Choong then presented the first award — “Most Successful Scammer” — to the Honorable Frank Edward of the Foreign Debt Reconciliation Panel e-mail scam.
“Congratulations, dear winner,” Choong said to Edward as she presented him with the award. “We are pleased to inform you that you are the winner of this category.”
Tears welled up in Edward’s eyes as he thanked the audience.
“The only things needed for the transfer of this award to me are my greatest sincerities to all of you,” he said.
Scammer Kobeki Shiton-u was given an award for “Best Use of English” in a scam e-mail.
“I have been rewarded with good spelling because of my partnership role with an English spell checker in my e-mail software,” Shiton-u said. “Herein after I shall refer to the program as my e-mail client for award purposes.”
Scammer Timboku Opeptide accepted the “Most Creative” scam award for his “Nigerian Pop Star Dies Without Will” scam.
“Dearly beloveds,” he began, holding up the award trophy. “On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of the late Butitny Spear, whose name I used in my bait e-mails, I leave the sum of my humble thankfulness for this award. This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true.”
The awards ceremony was cut short after rumors began circulating that a government raid on the internet café was imminent.
Story by Tim Sharpe, editor of “Sir Satire’s New World Order News Service“
Filed under: Democracy, Middle East, North America, Politics, Religion, Terrorism, USA, War On..., World | Tags: Al-Qaeda, Al-Qaida, Election, Endorsed, Hamas, Hezbollah, Humor, Iraq, John Mcain, Middle East, Osama bin Laden, Republican, Saddam Hussein, Satire, The Butter Stick, War, Woolsey
Al-Qaeda, the international Islamofascist terrorist organization lead and administered by Osama bin Laden and supported through time by various other Muslim extremists such as Saddam Hussein and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has, as a feeble attempt to sway the US presidential elections, endorsed Republican nominee John McCain.
On October 20, CIA officials learned of the private endorsement on the password-protected al-Hesbah Web site owned by Al-Qaeda, the terrorist organization which bombed the World Trade Centers on 9/11. A translator revealed the message to be oddly simpathetic to John McCain, the only candidate on the November 5th, 2008 poll who stands for freedom and democracy in the Middle East as well as nation security in the United States.
“If al-Qaida carries out a big operation against American interests,” the message said, “this act will be support of McCain because it will push the Americans deliberately to vote for McCain so that he takes revenge for them against al-Qaida. Al-Qaida then will succeed in exhausting America till its last year in it.”
Jim Woolsey, former head of the CIA, correctly assessed Al-Queda’s intentions. Since Al-Qaeda is an evil terrorist organization, whoever they support or “like” must either be just as evil or weak enough for them to take advantage of, as was the case in 2004 when bin Laden released a tape to the public revealing his endorsement of John Kerry.
Why, though, endorse John McCain and not Barrack Obama? John McCain is quoted as willing to stay in Iraq for “a hundred” years in order to defeat terrorism and win the war. He is the toughest individual when it comes to national security and border control. With John McCain, the American people can expect another 4 or maybe even 8 years of peace at home and victory in the Middle East. Barrack Hussein Obama wishes to pull out of Iraq as quickly as possible, letting Al-Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah, etc. run lose and free to yet again take the war to America with another attack on innocent civilians.
Osama is fully aware of this and Jim Woolsey is fully aware of Osama’s intentions. This game of mind-tricks is simple enough to be called a weak attempt at reverse psychology. Al-Qaeda’s intentions are to alienate the American voter by making him think twice about casting a ballot for someone who is supported by a terrorist organization. Osama wants Obama, and in order to do so, Al-Qaeda will go the lengths of smearing and damaging the reputation of John McCain to attain their goal and defeat America.
Filed under: Business, Federal Spending, Gas & Oil, Global Warming, Issues, Middle East, North America, Opinion, Religion, Terrorism, Tree Hugging, USA, War On..., World | Tags: America, Army, Arrest, Bush, Conservative, Democrats, Editorial, Ethics, Facism, Gas, Global Warming, Gore, Hostage, Islam, Kerry, Middle East, Morality, Oil, Oil War, Opinion, Prices, USA, Walter Craig, War, War on Terror
What a day in April it was. The prior week’s light showers gave birth to new flowers and a healthy dark green lawn. Of course, as the man of the house, I found myself outside on a crisp but slightly warm morning fixing the blade of an overturned lawnmower. What do I see out of the corner of my eye? Greg Lynch, childhood friend and next door neighbor for fifteen years, crouching down nearly out of sight, siphoning gas from my Ford F-150.
I was arrested that day for assault and battery – violently beating Greg with a tiki torch for what might have been eight minutes until the second officer reached the scene and helped the first get Greg out of my choke-hold. It’s alright though, because I made bail later that week, Greg spent two nights downtown, and had to give me back the $36.98-worth he stole from my tank in court.
The fault, I realize, is not all Greg’s. Although we are no longer allowed to cross onto each other’s property for a period of ninety days, Greg has apologized for breaking our friendship of trust and my tiki torch with the back of his face. We are victims of a gas war, like everybody else in the world, which we continue to lose as we continue to turn our backs to the aggressors who own 93% of the world’s oil and gas – the Islamofascist warlords of the Middle East. As long as they control natural reserves, nations like Iraq, Iran, Kuwait, Syria, and Afghanistan will continue to control the prices we pay to drive our SUVs to work, heat every square inch of our homes, and even mow our lawns.
I’ll be the first conservative to admit it – this is a war for oil. No, it was not initially, but it might as well have been, because it has certainly become one. Forget ethics. What’s ethical is the liberation of oil reserves in the Middle East for the rest of the world to enjoy at a reasonable price. Forgive me for blowing a gasket every time I now have to pay $4.14 cents for gas at the pump, but if some Arab again tries to increase his oil income, I’ll sign my daughter up for Army.
It could be worse, though. Can you imagine the triple digit prices we would have had to pay with Gore or Kerry and the Democrats in office? Gore alone would tax the wheels right off my truck for his “global warming” agenda. Averting war puts no pressure on the owners of the Earth’s oil, thus waging a one-sided inconsequentially war of Islamic terrorism against the United States and her close allies. The scenario is exactly like a hostage situation, and the American government, backed by its glorious army of brave soldiers, is the heroic rescue team saving our oil from the deadly hands of war-mongering terrorists and Islamofascists. All in all, it’s a good day when I’m paying Jerry from Shell $5 a gallon rather than Muhammad from the Corner Mosque the same amount.
Filed under: Business, Entertainment, Federal Spending, Issues, North America, Politics, Travel & Leisure, USA, World | Tags: America, Eliot, Eliot Spitzer, Funny, Governor, Governor Spitzer, Hooker, Humor, New York, Politics, Prostitution, Satire, Scandal, Spitzer, US, Whorehouse
During the latest governmental scandal, in which Eliot Spitzer was charged two to six years in federal prison for his $80,000 worth of prostitution “hiring” practices over the course of a decade, two individuals were forced to resign from their executive posts in New York state. One was Spitzer, resigned as Governor of NY. The other was Kirsten Alpert, prominent call-girl of the early 1990’s resigned as President of the New York Hustle Palace.
Spitzer’s connections to Ashley Alexandra Dupré, the $1,000 call-girl contacted by the Governor on March 10, 2008 was discovered through wiretapped conversations, which authorities have used over the course of two weeks to tie Spitzer to either Al-Qaeda or the Mexican Mafia. Spitzer primary connections to the Mexican Mafia, or Le eMe, were first suspected with his attempted issuing of drivers’ licences for illegal immigrants in November 2007. Following arrest on prostitution charges, a federal offense, Spitzer announced his resignation at a short press conference two days later.
Kristen Alpert has been an acquaintance of Eliot Spitzer since 1999, when she believes she met Spitzer on a “personal call.” Since that time, Alpert succeeded Winona J. Brown as President of the New York Hustle Palace, a prominent “whorehouse” with locations in southern New York state, the capital region in Albany, and to the west in Buffalo.
“I’m stepping down as President of the NYHP tonight,” stated Alpert last afternoon before a panel of the Hustle Panel executive board and adoring customers alike. “The scandal concerning Governor Spitzer as of late has demonstrated a demise in respectability and customer confidentiality that someone must take responsibility for. Our customers are not at fault when we fail in our line of work.”
The main reason addressed by Alpert in front of the panel was one of guilt toward the destruction of Spitzer’s public reputation and family marital meltdown. Had Dupré, who asked Alpert not to take the blame for her own mistakes, been more cautious in her dealings with such a high level public figure wire tappings would not have revealed the privately concealed affairs Spitzer had been involved in with call girls. Dupré has also taken a two-month leave without pay from the Hustle Palace, as determined by the administrative board, for putting an end to the business dealings between the NYHP and its highest paying costumer of eleven years.
Filed under: Asia, Business, Entertainment, Federal Spending, Homosexuality, Illegal Immigration, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Religion, South America, USA, World | Tags: Adult, Adult Video News, America, Asian, AVN Awards, Consumerism, Economics, Economy, Fake News, Funny, George Bush, Humor, Latin American, Match.com, Naked, Nude, Playboy, Porn, Porno, Recession, Satire, Sex, Sex.com, USA, Videos, XXX
The United States economy of the 21st century has hit a new low with the current economic recession. Surprisingly, the latest industry to suffer is the porn and sex industry, which is outsourced daily by cheaper “sex slaves” in Asia and Latin America and by the changing preferences of the American consumer.
More and more Americans, especially middle aged, white, blue-collar workers look to the cheapest form of sexual pleasure. This, often enough, is made and produced by unregulated Asian and Latin American markets. Furthermore, foreign fetishes invariably develop. Online studies that track repeating and unique hits (or the number of new visitors to a web page) state that the top ten most visited American domain names of the online porn industry have exponentially decayed an enormous 56% in unique hits and 22% in total revenue since 2006. The Playboy Magazine alone has lost more than 29,000 subscriptions since its July 2007 issue while the Asian Sex Gazette and Asian Beauties Magazine both gained a total of 15,700 print subscriptions and an exponential amount of web traffic.
Sex.com owner, Gary Kremen, who is also the famous owner of Match.com has recorded a growing number of visitors clicking links leading to Latin American or Asian sex sites. He is also quoted stating that “more and more hookups occur between Asian American women and Caucasian males rather than the former white man, white woman status quo relationships” when asked about the Match.com situation.
In a recorded phone conversation, former Playboy owner, Hugh Hefner stated he likes “Asian [expletive] and [expletive] but white women just have more [expletive] and can [expletive] very well.”
“This is ridiculous to say the least,” furiously stated Tom Imus, unemployed producer and co-director of the now out of business Grab Anklez Co., an xxx-rated adult video company. “My last movie, the one we invested everything in, didn’t even get nominated for the AVN Awards (Adult Video News Awards – the Oscars of porn).”
Many in the adult industries believe this to be an unfair cause of the American economy straining and marginalizing their products from the market. The “right wingers,” “Catholics,” and “conservatives” are often blamed for trying to cover up indecency, but when one takes into account the filth and immoral (mixed sex and mixed race) porn produced that degrades Christian America, who is the real criminal? The industry categorically believes “low paid sex slaves” of Asia and Latin America are true victims and that President Bush should be subsidizing the industry as well as putting tariffs on adult imports or products featuring anything but the norm.
Don Bareilly, senior economist at the Oregon Center for Economic Studies, states otherwise: “The [porn] industry faltering is not the fault of an economic recession, but happens to be one of the causes for it.” Bareilly concluded that the “unregulated affairs and actions” of the industry allow for marketers to target audiences and consumers with varying tastes. For example, the prostitutes of Latin America cost less than an American prostitute because wages differ on supply and demand as well as the GDP of a nation.
How long must America put up with the porn industry taking to the streets in protest? With how much indecency will our Christian society degrade for some petty immoral sins? Why is the porn industry not banned yet in this, the 21st century?
Filed under: Business, Federal Spending, Gas & Oil, Issues, North America, Politics, Religion, USA, War On..., World | Tags: 2008, America, Campaining, Christianity, Corporate Funds, Corporations, Dropout, Evangelicalism, Fake News, Funny, GOP, Humor, Humour, John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Money, Mormon, Nomination, Politics, Presidential Campaign, Religion, Republican, Romney, Ron Paul, Satire, USA, Wealth
Recent Republican Presidential dropout candidate Mitt Romney announced Friday that running for a seat in the oval office has officially been a “complete waste of money” for him and his corporate sponsors.
Romney announced his withdrawal from the Presidential race Thursday, February 7th, two days following Super Tuesday. Having lost a majority of the states to veteran John McCain and neoconservative evangelical Mike Huckabee, the $198 million spent campaigning in upwards to 35 states went down the drain faster than $20 trillion dollars of the Federal budget in recession.
“Super Tuesday was the day of reckoning,” states Caleb Hafford, a senior political analyst at Arcadia Institute of Political Science. “Romney just didn’t give enough conservative Americans the show they wanted to see and in turn had poor showing. Even his home field, Massachusetts, was almost lost to his Republican rivals. Sadly, conservatives are left with one possible candidate: the ever-so-liberal McCain. Huckabee and Ron Paul cannot mathematically gain enough electoral votes to nominated.”
“What I don’t understand,” complained Romney in front of a BS political correspondent, “is how a filthy-rich, white, Christian, pro-war, American man with good looks and correct morality can lose the favor of the public.”
The also-former-governor of Massachusetts also claimed he had not only tripled any candidate’s campaign spending amount with his own personal loot but also the sponsored money pooled in from oil and electrical companies. News Corporation, owner of Fox News, also find itself in a slump along with the conservative public now that their candidate has been taken off of the table.
“Running was a waste of money if you ask me,” further stated Romney standing alongside his supportive wife. “I am Reagan. If you don’t like me, you don’t like Reagan.”
Hafford assumes a large blow to Romney’s campaign was dealt by his liberal past, which many neoconservatives have used against him to label the man a flip-flopper. Another reason may have been Huckabee’s own evangelical Christian presence who seems to have been picked by the “Almighty” to lead.
“The real reason is evident,” states Hafford. “Is it a coincidence that a total of four adult Romney supporters have committed suicide after the televised debate in which he revealed he was a Mormon?”
One thing is set straight by Romney: “I’m never doing this shit ever again.”
Filed under: Abortion & Murder, Democracy, Global Warming, Issues, Opinion, Patriotism, Politics, Sports, Terrorism, Travel & Leisure, USA, War On..., World | Tags: 2008, 9/11, Boston, Campaign, Candidate, Democracy, Giants, Giuliani, Global Warming, Interview, John McCain, Mayor, McCain, NeoConservative, New England, New York, Patriots, Politics, President, Presidential Candidate, Republican, Rudolph Giuliani, Rudy Giuliani, Superbowl, The Butter Stick, Veteran, Walter Craig, White House
The Butter Stick, like many other political news establishments, has requested an interview with former mayor of New York City, President of 9/11, and US Presidential candidate dropout Rudolph Giuliani for three months. Following his resignation from the race to the White House, Giuliani gladly accepted a short interview with the Butter Stick’s own Editor-in-Chief, Walter Craig.
Craig: Well, Mr. Giuliani, let me first start by thanking you for this opportunity. As a neo-conservative news blog, the Butter Stick is honored to interview the great reactionary leaders of our time.
Giuliani: I thank you as well, Walter Craig. It’s great to be here right now in hope of reaching all of your . . . what? 2000 readers?
Craig: More or less. I must admit however, you caught us totally off guard when you phoned us this morning. We were prepared with questions about your political stance and campaign a few weeks ago, but they may now seem irrelevant.
Giuliani: Hit me with whatever you got, my friend.
Craig: So, you’re endorsing McCain now?
Giuliani: Sure, John and I have been pals in and out of office for years. Not only do we share political viewpoints, but also have similar plans for the War on Terror. The American people must understand how important it is to have an able leader who can protect and serve the people. McCain is an American veteran and a relentless patriot. I trust this man to lead our people to victory in Iraq and at home.
Craig: McCain would get the job done it seems. To what extent, do you think, should our involvement in Iraq reach?
Giuliani: Truth be told, we’re not exactly sure. Obviously, not enough is being done as of right now.
Craig: Interesting. Any other plans now that you’re not campaigning?
Giuliani: I’ll be honest, it’s a load off my back and relief on my wallet. I’m dreaming of going back to playing some stickball in the old city. Before that however, I’ll visit Arizona for the big Superbowl. McCain said he got us good tickets by the Patriots 20-yard line.
Craig: In the past, you’ve been known to flip-flop from supporting the New York Yankees to the Boston Red Sox. Which team are you betting on in the Superbowl?
Giuliani: Every self-respecting New Yorker supports the New York Giants. It’s a fact. I’m betting on the Patriots though.
Craig: Like a true patriot.
Giuliani: That’s right.
Craig: Well, I don’t really have any more questions prepared, so tell us a little about yourself. Something the readers might not know.
Giuliani: Let’s see now . . . My color is red because I’m a Republican. Have I ever told you about how I was all by myself in a blue state during my term as Mayor?
Craig: No, but I’ve heard it all in your past debates. What’s your stance on democracy?
Giuliani: I support.
Craig: Global warming?
Giuliani: I’m for a warmer Earth.
Craig: Mayor Bloomberg?
Giuliani: Wimp.
Craig: Why is that?
Giuliani: His name sounds like a flower.
Craig: Agreed. I thank you, Mr. Rudy Giuliani for this interview with the Butter Stick. We wish you well in your future political life if you still seek it.
Giuliani: Thank you.
Filed under: Business, Health, North America, Science, Technology, USA | Tags: Agriculture, Cancer, Chloride, Disease, Doctor, Drugs, Fake News, Fast Food, FDA, Food, Hazard, Health, Heartburn, Humor, Hypertension, Risk, Salt, Satire, Science, Sodium, Technology
Pizza, burgers, and soda are well-known health risks for anyone – young or old. But how many people have actually considered the dangers of the preservative and condiment we all regularly put into our diet? Health experts are talking about salt as recent studies have shown this dietary mineral to contain dangerously high levels of sodium.
Sodium is one of the primary electrolytes in the human body that is needed for it to function properly. Drinking large amounts of water without a separate or combined intake of salt could put a person at risk of water intoxication (hyponatremia). A salt-free diet is also known o cause muscle cramps, dizziness, and sometimes even fatal neurological problems.
Adam Standard of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has been one of the few researchers on the FDA board since 1996 who encouraged the limited use of and even the possible ban of salt and foods containing it.
“The drug that makes up what is carelessly referred to as ‘salt’ is actually sodium chloride, or NaCl, a chemical compound of sodium and chloride,” explains Standard. “Used mainly as a seasoning or preservative additive, a regular intake of NaCl comes with much addressed health risks.”
Excess salt consumption has been linked to heartburn, osteoporosis, left ventricular hypertrophy (cardiac enlargement), edema, and gastric diseases such as cancer and ulcers. Most often, hypertension, or increased blood pressure, arises from just a few years of excessive sodium intake. A noted 2005 FDA study headed by Standard concluded that the chances of developing cardiovascular disease increased in young males and females aged 18-29 by 25-30% within a year of daily average salt intakes.
“Worst of all,” fears Standard, “Is that sodium is everywhere. Not just on top of our french fries, but in our drinks. In our soups. On our meats. Saltines are practically crackers made of salt.”
Dr. Wes Hymen, a leading figure in the field of food preservation in the Department of Agriculture and author of the syndicated article “Preserving our Arteries” is part of a team of scientists that discover and improve new and recycled techniques, methods, and products for making foods last longer. Initially a proponent of salt preservation, the dangerous health risks call for an alternative.
“There is really no more need for salt in our diet” claimed Dr. Hymen in the opening paragraph of his article. “The method of food preservation once was salting and pickling, but today’s newest methods of freezing, canning, and air locking products for later consumption have opened new doors. Healthier doors.”
While Hymen and Standard both agree on the regulated intake of sodium within our diets, Hymen also states less than two grams a day is “all right.” Standard, stating all salt can be substituted with “additives such as potassium chloride” or “pepper,” has alone denied the licensing of more than 3,900 food items that included sodium as an ingredient since 1996.
Filed under: Communism, Democracy, Europe, Issues, Opinion, Politics, Science, Technology, Travel & Leisure, World | Tags: America, Capitalism, Cars, Communism, Culture, Democracy, Eastern Europe, Europe, Gypsy, Journal, Leisure, Plane, Roman, Romania, Rumania, socialism, Studies, Travel
First off, I’d like to say happy belated Christmas and New Year on behalf of all the staff of the Butter Stick. I, Walter Craig, have just recently arrived back from my one month holiday “vacation” in Romania, an have an obligation to pass on the knowledge gained of my cultural studies in this formerly Communist nation in eastern Europe.
The Grim Reaper
One thinks of the holidays as cheery, colorful, enjoyable festivities. Not here. Not ever. As Delta Airlines took a hard landing in the Bucharest Airport, only two colors can describe the first wintry vista of Romania’s capital: gray and filthy.
Old Communist bloc buildings – symmetrically conformed concrete flats made of the grimmest colors imaginable, and further coated in a blanket of dust and dirty snow. The entire city was broken into sectors of a giant hammer and sickle maze. In fact, every city and town, besides the poorest and most primordially feudal villages were scattered like this. It’s as if death stalks Eastern Europe.
They have a joke here in Romania. They say that when the end of the world comes, everyone should quickly move to Romania because they are literally fifteen years behind the rest of the world. This being true, I look forward to moving to country at the right time so I can merrily live out fifteen extra years in a complete piece of crap.
Traffic
If there is at least one absolute rule of the road in this crazy nation, it is simply this: be an asshole when behind the wheel of a car. It may not be that everyone is a bad driver, but quite frankly just a bunch of jerks that drive like a herd of angry bulls at the annual bull run in Spain. No laws, no seat belts; just a bunch of 2 Fast 2 Furious (bootlegged version) fans.
In times past, all traffic was categorically the same. The Dacia was the national car of Romania and the onlycar in Romania. As a matter of fact, you have to be a Romanian just to know how to drive the ancient hunk of metal whose safety standards are ranked with negative numbers. Thankfully, the Germans have made their own vehicle investments for some time now. Even though American Fords and Chevys are clearly unmatched in any car category, Audis and Volkswagons are nice as well compared to other European wheels.
It’s a Holiday in Romania
Who knew? Eastern Europe is Eastern Orthodox; some kind of Christianity no one has ever heard of before. They celebrate Jesus and Christmas, so I was fairly happy in my stay. Apparently Bucharest, the capital, had Europe’s largest Christmas tree this year. It was over 21 stories high, which means they probably took an elevator to the top to place the star, and was built by a foreign Spanish company.
When the gypsies weren’t knocking on my door hoping to kidnap me for a hearty American ransom, Christmas wasn’t half bad. Grey snow, black ice, a red Santa wearing a robe, and a piercing cold wind. Better than imagining them as a bunch of atheist commies.
Bootlegger’s Country
There are is no justice where there is no law. Romanians don’t buytheir music, movies, and games. No, everything is either downloaded off the internet freely or distributed among groups illegally. Best of all, there is no one to stop them. At one point I thought, “I wish America was more like this,” but then remembered – “oh yeah, they’re a bunch of lazy communists who like to get everything for free, but in America, we work for wages and help communism run by feeding it with consumer society.”
Travel Tip
Don’t ever go to Romania unless you’re a poor hippie.
Filed under: Europe, Politics, Travel & Leisure, Uncategorized | Tags: Airfare, Brasov, Bucharest, Cluj-Napoca, Communism, Communist Bloc, Dracula, Eastern Europe, Europe, Parliament, Plane, Politics, Poverty, Romania, Soviet Union, Special Report, Tarom, The Butter Stick, Travel, Trip, USSR, Walter Craig
Pack your bags, the Butter Stick, your favorite neo-conservative news corporation, is visiting formerly Communist Bloc Romania in Eastern Europe, the lesser and more deprived of the two Europes.
Walter Craig, Editor-In-Chief of the Butter Stick, is taking a two week tour of Romania as part of a multi-national reporting campaign of the country’s history, culture, and on-goings since the breakup of the Soviet Union and the toppling of Communism by peasant nationals.
“I presume Christmas is going to suck this year,” commented Craig, when asked by fellow mates in the United States about his thoughts on the trip. “I’m only going to take eight dollars with me – that’ll probably be enough to buy a car, airfare, sufficient food, fourteen acres, and a gypsy slave.”
Craig will not on
ly write special reports on trips around cities such as Cluj-Napoca, Bucharest, and Brasov, but also to visits at Dracula’s Castle in Transylvania and the People’s Parliament in the nation’s capital. The Parliament building is in fact supposed to be the second largest in the world (behind the Pentagon).
More to come from Walter Craig and the Butter Stick this week in Romania.
Filed under: Asia, Issues, Religion, Science, Technology, Travel & Leisure, World | Tags: Brain, Buddhism, Buddhist Monk, China, Conspiracy, Count, Funny, Humor, Humour, Impossible, Logic, Math, Monk, Numbers, Satire, The Butter Stick, Thinking, Tibet
Sung Moon, a Buddhist monk from Tibet, China spent his entire childhood and adulthood doing one thing: reciting numbers. Since first learning how to speak and count numbers, it has been the only thing this holy man has done for the past 78 years of his life.
At four A.M., Saturday morning, the numerical whispers rhythmically exerted from Moon’s pacifying lips ceased as the monk finished counting to infinity. No man had ever recited all existing numbers of the universe since the idea of infinity was theorized by ancient Greek mathematicians. In fact, it was deemed impossible to recite all numbers for “there is no end, they just keep reinventing themselves.”
That was at least what Chicago University professor of calculus Robert J. Ehrenreich claimed among other leading modern day theorists in the mathematics department.
“Because once you reach the end of a certain place value, ending with a nine, you can always create a new place value by adding a one, thus continuing an endless cycle,” stated professor Ehrenreich upon hearing of Moon’s feat. “If we know where he left off, I could simply feedback a larger counting number.”
Others such as Edmond Naiant of the American Collegiate Studies Institute based in Utica, New York question, “if numbers are infinite and have no start or end point, what number, may I ask, did Mr. Sung Moon begin and end with?”
The answer to that question is not as simple as it seems however. As a child, Moon realized the complexity of a universal number system and debunked it by beginning with the number forty-two. He then counted backwards and forwards respectively with each beat so as to successfully recited both positive and negative numbers. These numbers, were in turn counting numbers and integers – no fractions, decimals, or imaginary numbers were spoken. Mr. Moon also did not order numbers by positive or negative order, but rather “skipped around” in an otherwise unexplainable pattern.
Moon had reportedly spent nearly 20 hours of each day “counting” and the sleeping. It is said he could even imagine numbers in sleep and whisper them aloud at night. No computer, pen, or paper was used to record and remember place values or digits. All work was completed mentally and carried out through physical beats. Moon would often tap his fingers or feet and bob his head in rhythm of counting to infinity.
So what number did he end with? It is so large, it is taking Moon four days to recite all digits to reporters and has not been completely written down yet. There are literally at least 178 pages of digits last reported.
Filed under: Business, Communism, Democracy, Entertainment, Europe, Federal Spending, Health, Illegal Immigration, Issues, North America, Opinion, Patriotism, Politics, Terrorism, USA, War On..., World | Tags: 2008, AIDS, America, Anne Coulter, Bill Gates, Bill O'Reilly, Canada, Capitalism, Communism, Democracy, Denis Kucinich, Dennis, Dennis Kucinich, Editorial, For-Profit, Fred Thomson, Government, Health, Illegal Immigration, Issues, Kucinich, Money Business, Opinion, Patriotism, Politics, Poor, Presidential Election, Republicans, Ron Paul, socialism, Socialized Healthcare, Socialized Medicine, UK, United States, Universal Healthcare, USA, Walter Craig, War in Iraq, War on Terrorism, Wealth, WHO
Universal healthcare. Socialized medicine. Dennis Kucinich for President. Multiple synonyms for one thing – communism in the United States.
Dennis Kucinich, a Democrat, is the only candidate in either party with a plan for universal, single-payer, not-for-profit healthcare. But let’s take a look at his credibility – he was also the only Democratic candidate that voted AGAINST both funding and the War in Iraq. If we weren’t dying in a war, we’d be getting killed by terrorists on home turf. Kucinich even had the nerve to NOT deny Americans their privacy by voting AGAINST the Patriot Act, the next thing after Iraq that keeps us safe from terrorists.
What is wrong with the healthcare of America today? Nothing! It’s perfectly fine. In fact, it’s ranked the “number one best healthcare system ever in the world” by leading professionals such as Bill ÒReilly, Rush Limbaugh, Anne Coulter, and Fred Thompson. Ron Paul even called it a “miracle” among first world nations on his first Fox News appearance. The World Health Organization (WHO) lies when they rank the US as “37th in the world for the performance of its healthcare system.” This is because the WHO is run by illegal immigrants and Communists.
Biggest argument against for-profit healthcare: “The poor are uninsured and can’t afford their own health.” And whose fault is that? Is it the personal responsibility of hard-working Americans like Bill ÒReilly to watch out for the 84% of the population below him? If anything, the poor are below and should treat those above with respect like the good, caring, Christians they should all be. A poor man is just another person in life who decided early on “I’m lazy and I want others to do stuff for me while I waste away their tax dollars.” The only real poor folk are the Bill Gates and Bill ÒReillys who are constantly robbed by the federal government of wealth.
If one third of Americans are uninsured, I’d joyfully help them. I’ll tell them to get a job like the rest of us. Look at Canada and the UK, where everyone receives plenty of free healthcare via endless doctor visits, costless treatment, and free pharmaceuticals for every pain in their bone-aching liberal bodies. What do they have to show for it? America is three times as great as both countries put together by population, eight times by weight, nine times by military power, and forty-nine times by overall greatness.
The poor don’t even want healthcare. They’d rather have to pay for it, and earn that money squarely with high class jobs such as those in the coal mine or at McDonald’s. If doctors didn’t operate on a for-profit basis, what’s the incentive that would keep them operating on customers profiled by wealth? Let’s face it, a homeless guy with a gunshot wound is just a pity on society and doesn’t deserve the same healthcare as an upper-middle class male who was mugged and rolled an ankle. In fact, money should determine what kind of healthcare you can get to the fullest extent.
If you can’t afford it, don’t get sick. It’s easy – I haven’t gotten sick in over a year, and when I do, I just sleep it off. My kids like to stay home from school at least once a week. And who can blame them when they have to go to a public school and risk getting infected by all the lower class kids under them who might have the German measles or AIDS?
Get Kucinich off the polls quickly before he ruins our great USA with his first-aid kit and stethoscope. Brainwashed Americans buying into socialism may say he’s out to help the poor, but he’s really only out to beat up on the rich. The rich may be a minority, but by God, they can sure vote-buy themselves into the majority when it comes to politics. And we wouldn’t want to displease the majority now would we?
Life is a privilege in America, not a right. Let’s keep it that way.
Filed under: Abortion & Murder, Democracy, Illegal Immigration, Issues, Middle East, North America, Opinion, Patriotism, Politics, Religion, Terrorism, USA, World | Tags: 2008, America, Bible, Catholic, Christian Right, Christianity, CNN, Conservative, Democrats, Editorial, Election 2008, Elections, Fake News, GOP, Grand Old Party, Huckabee, Humore, Mitt Romney, Mormon, Neocon, Opinion, Paul, Presidential Debate, Religion, Republican Party, Republicans, Romney, Ron Paul, Satire, Satirical News, USA, YouTube
He’s a Mormon, and I’m a Catholic, but we’re both the common Christian conservative fighting for a moral high ground and the establishment of good, clean, family values in the homes of every American. Mitt Romney’s defense of a religious America at the last Republican debate was nothing less of heroically outstanding.
The GOP rectified most of America’s Democrat-induced skeptical viewpoints at the CNN/YouTube Republican Debates on November 30, but one candidate stood out among the rest, especially above Huckabee, a Christian minister and former Republican governor of Illinois. That candidate was the religiously right Mitt Romney, a patriot of a Christian America.
“”I am an American running for President. I define my candidacy by my religion. A person should not be elected if he does not embrace the word of God, nor should he be allowed to speak against God’s word. I speak for God’s word on this stage,” claimed a cool and vibrant Romney a week ago.
Romney is a capable, young, aggressive candidate who does not let down to liberal ideas. He, among other Christian candidates, is a true believer and defender of the Christian faith in this nation. When asked by a YouTuber if he believes every single word of the Holy Bible, Romney replied, “Yes. I am not ashamed of what my fathers have taught me and will not be ashamed of what knowledge I can pass on to the people of this democratic nation through the book.”
The GOP Presidential hopeful is also good friends with senator Jim Inhofe, who also admittedly refers to the Scriptures (mainly Acts 9:15 and Acts 2:42) on each political issue.
When asked individually on how he would reverse the decay of American families, Romney took the words of Inhofe and declared, “what kind of behavior do you expect in the family when a secular government is taking over the upbringing of our kids so that parents don’t have to take responsibility?”
This man will shape our future. Correct our wrongs, or at least the ones religious terrorists have instilled in our minds since 9/11. He will rule by the Bible, as did Jesus over Jerusalem. He will ask himself, “what would Jesus do?” and respond through the executive power. He will save our unborn children from Dr. Kavorkian. He will protect our borders from terrorists and immigrants who only wish to law waste to a heavenly land. He will lead us to victory against Islamists, who hope for the destruction of Christianity and everything the United States stands for. He will protect us against the anti-Christ, which lurks in every bar, on every corner street of every ghetto, in Iran, in schools that support the rock and roll movement, and even in our very own homes on the tube.
Filed under: Abortion & Murder, Business, Communism, Democracy, Entertainment, Federal Spending, Gas & Oil, Global Warming, Health, Homosexuality, Illegal Immigration, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Religion, Science, Sports, Technology, Terrorism, Tree Hugging, USA, War On..., World | Tags: 2008, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Conservatism, Conservative, Debate, Duncan Hunter, Elections, Fred Thomspon, GOP, GOP Debate, John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Presidential Campaign, Republican, Republican Debate, Right, Ron Paul, Rudy Guliani, Tom Tancredo, Trackback, TV, YouTube
In case you missed the CNN/YouTube Republican Debate, The Right Place has a full summary of the aired event.
It can be read here
Filed under: Europe, Health, Issues, Politics, Religion, World | Tags: Alcohol, Beer, Bill, Booze, Democracy, Drinking, Drugs, England, Europe, Health, Humour, IRA, Ireland, Irish, Law, Liquor, Politics, Religion, Satire, UK, United Kingdom
In an act of independency from the rest of the United Kingdom, the Irish Parliament (Oireachtas) recently passed a novel federal bill which lowered the nation’s drinking age to “this many.” The bill was passed 54 to 6 on November 30 by the Seanad Oireachtas (senators of national parliament).
The bill, titled the “Drink If You Can Count Act” is a loosely worded document which endows any person with the ability to hold up any given number of fingers the right to purchase and consume alcoholic beverages in public, such as in a pub, or in their own private homes. By regulation, a barkeep must inquire his customer’s age. Provided the customer can answer through speech or hand gestures, and has the money for an Irish drink, the barkeep may safely answer to his customer’s needs. Article three specifically reads, “[any] one person above the age of ‘this many’ may consume alcohol unrestricted by state [or federal] law . . . “
“Brilliant,” said statesman Rory Flanigan after reading the four page bill last week. “We, the sons of Ireland, must protect our heritage and keep our world-renowned culture. And since booze makes up most of what we are as people, how can we deny our people the very thing that makes them up?”
Majority and opposition parties across the isle came together this week in a symbolic gesture for all of Ireland. The “Drink If You Can Count Act” was one of the highest acclaimed bills within the nation’s politics since first proposed by Fergus Moloney a week prior to voting. It was the fasted enacted bill since the 1954 law that required all vertically challenged persons wear green and sing limericks at least once a week.
“The preservation of our culture is an exciting thing, and was the basis for our vote,” claims Dermot O’Brien, a Progressive Democratic Party senator and former member of the IRA. “The young people of our nation must experience the joy and happiness our mums and dads did when they were youngsters. That way, they can grow up to be jolly good drunkards like ourselves and live up to the Irish stereotypes.”
Youngsters across the nation are already celebrating their legal ability to drink, most of which are already suffering from mild to severe cirrhosis of the liver, alcoholic hepatitis, and liver fibrosis. Adults, such as popular radio newscaster Patrick O‘Doyle, have asked for a federal holiday or national festival with the passing of the drinking age bill.
Religious Anglicans and English patriots have sworn strongly against the bill and will most likely be ignored by the majority of the isle. Anglican ministers claim that with the legalization of wine for minors, boys and girls will no longer attend Sunday mass as they usually did in thirst of communion.
Filed under: Communism, Democracy, Global Warming, Illegal Immigration, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Religion, Science, South America, Terrorism, Tree Hugging, USA | Tags: Al Gore, America, Christianity, Fake News, Guiliani, Humor, Humour, Illegal, Illegal Immigration, invasion, lazy, liberal, mexican, Mexico, Nobal, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Science, sombrero, South America, sunlight, tree, Tree Hugging, USA
A recent discovery made by Southern mountainman Drew Alanzio showed that Mexican trees are far more common than our good ol’ American trees. We followed Mr. Alanzio out into the wilderness on a hot summer day near the Southern American border only to be shocked at our speculation - Mexican trees had indeed started their invasion. Out of the 175 – 200 trees surveyed and inspected that day, we could count naught but 15 American trees, and scientists say it’s only going to get worse. Concern is rising over the safety and well being of our American trees.
With more Mexican trees here, American trees are in danger of losing valuable soil, water, and sunlight. Daniel Arquette, professing botanist at the Southwestern School of Higher Sciences, declared, “I estimate by the year 2010, Mexican trees will have spread as far as Miami, Florida, and will eradicate all American trees there. These Mexican trees are very efficient at storing nutrients for survival, as well as staying stationary for enormous periods of time. It’s like they’re lazy or something.”
When questioned on what to do to help stop the spread of Mexican trees, Arquette explained, “We need to tighten our borders. We here at the lab believe a sort of trench filled with termites might do the trick.” Al Gore, famous environmentalist and noted liberal, shares his distaste with this idea. He’s quoted stating that, “Trees are people, too. I won the Nobel Prize.”
Republicans, however, are urging Americans to do the “right” thing. Rudy Giuliani, Republican Presidential candidate, stated during a recently unbroadcasted debate, “Listen, these trees have no right to be in this country. Are they American trees? No. Are they Mexican trees? Yes. Is this Mexico? No. I tell you, if I saw one of those things in my yard, stealing my American trees’ sunlight, I’d chop it down right then and there.”
While the debate continues, officials can do nothing about the apparent destruction of our nations national habitat.
“It’s like watching someone light an infant on fire,” one border patrol officer said, “I can’t stand to sit here and think there’s nothing we can do about these God [Expletive] trees stealing our sunlight and water. It just makes me sick. They aughta go back to where they belong.” More news as it develops.
Filed under: Business, Democracy, Entertainment, Federal Spending, Gas & Oil, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Politics, Travel & Leisure, USA, World | Tags: 2008, America, American Politics, Books, Business, Candidates, Capitalism, Democracy, Democrats, Entertainment, Fake News, Federal Spending, Freedom, GOP, Humor, Humour, Libertarian, Market, Patriotism, Politics, Republicans, Ron Paul, Satire, Satirical, USA
2008 Republican hopeful and representative of the Fourteenth Congressional District of Texas, Ron Paul, is the media’s most popular and publicized candidate since Howard Dean’s speech meltdown four years ago. A professional in the field of fund raising, and currently the holder of more than $53 million in campaign funds, Paul is releasing the latest in “get rich quick” schemes with his book, “Run for the Money: Wealth Through Politics.”
Ron Paul’s campaign committee is undoubtably one of the most effective fund-raising and awareness spreading committees since Ronald Reagan’s. Last Sunday alone, Paul’s fund-raising brought in an estimated $10 million – double the total net worth of Democratic hopefuls Obama, Clinton, and Edwards. Through libertarian and social conservative Ron Paul, the nation’s GDP actually raised 1.5 points.
Bill O’Reilly, the first to comment on Paul’s campaign efficiency and money raising tactics swore, “It’s incredible – do you see the wonders of capitalism?”
When Ron Paul last appeared on the O’Reilly Factor, FOX New’s most popular political show, the discussion touched on the Republican candidate’s exponentially rising support and incoming funds.
“I couldn’t have done it without the American people,” said Paul. “With their money, I can rise to the deserved level of respect and show the nation how the lack of a campaign spending cap can benefit us all. Pay me now, and I’ll cut your taxes so you won’t have to pay up later.”
The author of “Run for the Money: Wealth Through Politics,” Paul can now reach out to readers and give them back a cent of their contribution to his success. The book is a sure-fire “get rich quick” guide through American politics. In an overview, the greed and corruption explained in the book further extends the political battleground to include the average Americans as well, such as the upper class and the upper-middle class who actively support Paul’s bid in 2008.
Chapter three explains, “As the empowering members of a democratic society, we have a responsibility to run for office with no less than full support in representing the top 6% of income earners in America.” Another motivational paragraph in chapter five reasons that “one cannot be ashamed of money; of driving a GM minivan while two thirds of the world lives off of less than two dollars a day. Is it our fault that Mexico is poor? No!”
The inspirational read is set to hit the free market this coming Friday after an endless tale of positive reviews. All money raised will go toward the Ron Paul 2008 campaign (in fact, one of the book’s chapters describes how selling your own “get rich quick” guide can get you rich . . . quick!).
Filed under: Asia, Business, Communism, Democracy, Federal Spending, Health, Issues, North America, Patriotism, Politics, South America, Technology, Terrorism, Travel & Leisure, USA, World | Tags: America, Asia, China, Communism, Danger, Democracy, Economy, Engels, Fake News, Federal Spending, Free Trade, Funny, George Bush, Health, Hu Jintao, Humor, Imports, Made in China, Mao, Marx, Politics, Satire, Satirical, socialism, totalitarianism, Toys, USA, Zedong
In the most recent wave of Chinese imports to the shores of California, a surprising shipment discovery will lead to more secure border, economy, and manufacturing inspection controls. The trade agreement signed with the Chinese dictatorship ultimately backfired when it was found that imported children’s toys were coated not only in dangerous lead-based paints, but also with COMMUNISM.
During the past few months, parents and guardians have obsessed with the dangers posed by China-manufactured toys. Lacking proper 21st century regulations, most toys created within the past ten years have been called back. Lead, a poisonous metal, was found in the paint substances of many toys, including the most popular brand, King-Sego, which produces almost 18 million toys worldwide. Updated US-China trade agreements were undertaken immediately after the hospitalization of hundreds in lead poisoning instances.
This week however, a new threat was discovered during routine inspections and an unprecedented number of customer complaints. Extremely high levels of communism were found in hundreds of thousands of toys, half of which had already been distributed to the American public.
“I am truly scared,” stated one Oklahoma City mother of four, after discovering a hammer and sickle emblem on an action figure Superman. “This was the last thing I thought could harm my kids. What can I expect when I have to buy cheap imports for my boys?”
President of China, Hu Jintao, refused to comment, but instead talked of the already 20 million recalled toys. The UN Security Council has however, called for a meeting next week in discussion of free trade regulation and manufacturing oversight. Bo Xilai, Minister of Commerce, and Hu Jintao are both expected to explain their nation’s commercial actions.
94,000 Superman action figures are reported having the trademark hammer and sickle of communism emblem painted on their chest, rather than the traditional “S.” At least 360,000 English versions of Karl Marx’s and Friedrich Engels, The Communist Manifesto, were discovered in place of an owner’s manual for stereos, televisions, computers, and children’s toys which may require assembly. Some Barbie doll toys and voice over games even have prerecorded slogans and quotes by Marx, Mao Zedong, Vladimir Lenin, Deng Xiaoping, and Fidel Castro all prominent revolutionary figures.
“Unbelievable. The [expletive] my eight-year-old now spews through her little mouth,” protests Anne Lawrence, an angry customer. “I don’t know if I should ground her or stop shopping at Walmart.”
President Bush has issued an emergency ordinance in which all toys manufactured after a certain time period, November 7, are to be repackaged and sent to their respective sales storefront. Walmart alone is expected to receive at least 940,000 returned “Made in China” products. Until the UN meeting, during which all should be straightened out among the largest free trade partners in the Atlantic and the Pacific, Chinese toy imports will be withheld from reaching any commercial centers and all remaining returned items should be once again recalled by Hu Jintao.
For parents across America however, it may be too late. Mothers Against Communist Toys (MACT), an organization headquartered in West Virginia has already held a fifth press conference urging Congress to cut all trading relations with Communist Party run nations such as China, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos, and impose numerous embargos on each nation, as is currently the situation with Cuba.
“No toys for my boys!” Shouts an angry MACT protestor. Another chimes in, “Rid us of communist G. I. Joes!”
